Time To Torture Karkat!
by Sarahaku
Summary: EB: hey guess what guys? karkat had a bet with me and he totally lost! so now he has to write you guys a fanfiction that's in your hands! hehe, make sure to make it EXTRA painful for him for me, okay? have fun! ((Polls take place weekly updates on the weekends. I don't own Homestuck. Rated T for language and for whatever else may come ))
1. Chapter 1

A/N: (This will probably you only time you hear from me in this! This story has a weekly vote, this is my first time setting up polls so bear with me. Polls can be accessed over on my account page! Also, suggestions are greatly appreciated (and probably going to be needed) talk to me through PM, review, or on my tumblr. Alright, that's about it!)

ALRIGHT SO LET'S JUST BEGIN BY SAYING IN NO WAY IS THIS HAPPENING THROUGH MY OWN FREE WILL. IT WAS A LOST BET WITH JOHN, ALRIGHT? AND THOUGH I'M NOT GONNA GET INTO THE GRITTY DETAILS IT INVOLVED TEREZI AND A PICK-UP LINE AND IT'S SAID AND DONE NOW AND I LOST.

BUT SERIOUSLY. HE SAID HE'D STOP FUCKING BITCHING ABOUT MY MOVIE TASTE IF I WON. THAT'S A SERIOUS OFFER.

_Apparently _I'm not allowed to use my fucking quirk because it's "annoying." Now I sound calm so let me just point out that I am the exact fucking opposite of calm. This sucks. I have so many better things to do than entertain you nookstains.

But apparently now everyone knows about this bet so there's no getting out of it.

So here's how this shit is going to go down according to John, who's being encouraged by the rest of these retards. Every week I'm supposed to give you freaks something to vote about and then I write a fanfiction about myself for your entertainment. Great, I know. So apparently this weeks theme is "Love interests." and NO I can't pick them so of course it's up to our "expert" at love. Nepeta.

I have just counseled with these douches and Nepeta has come to the decision that you have the options of putting me together with Eridan, Kankri, or her. And, no, they're not allowing me to back out of this. This is fucking shit, just so you know.

So, you little fucks, be free! Force me to spend my valuable time writing stories where I am head-over-heels from the finest of Alternian douches!

See you next week, I guess.


	2. Chapter 2

Oh so this is just fucking great. The results are in. And its a tie. A tie between Nepeta and Kankri. You bastards. You would think it was the fucking end of the world in here. Nepeta was chewing her nails in anticipation and John and I were arguing for way too much time about whether it was fair to let me pick or we should flip a coin or some shit. Then John's face lights up with this creepy-ass grin. "You can be together with _both_!" He cried excitedly. He sniggered. "Like a pimp or something." So apparently I have to _double _my humiliation because not _one more_ of you fucking bastards could vote?

Anyway let's get this over with. Story time.

Once upon a time and all that crap there was a troll named Karkat who was apparently extremely irresistible to not one, no not one, but _two _walking freak shows. There was a romance-obsessed meow-beast girl that followed Karkat around and called him and her her "OTP" when she thought he wasn't listening but holy shit he was right fucking there how did he not realize he can hear her and it's really starting to freak him out. The other was this guy that he was totally not related to (because this is a fucking work of fiction, children) named Kankri who talked like it was his fucking life essence. And for some reason, silly young Karkat felt mutually for both of these lovely specimens.

Now Karkat was under the impression that everyone wants him to write a sappy romance tale between him and his freaky-ass lovers. Yeah, well they can go shove that shit back where it came from for all I, and that is to say Karkat, cares.

But John insists that Karkat was completely in love with these bozos, yes, well, whatever. So here goes. Karkat loves Nepeta and Kankri very much and apparently nobody in this entire sitaution has a problem with the fact that Karkat has two matesprits. So they do matesprit-y shit that you Earth losers get a kick out of all the time. I daresay they kissed. Yes, there you go. Enjoy your selves. Go roll around making strange mating noises or whatever those squeals are when you read that Karkat did in fact kiss his matesprits. Yes. And you might want all the details. So he was standing next to Nepeta and then (holy shit!) he moved his face forward until their two faces were sort of touching up against each other! How fucking fascnating. And then, hold your applause he did the same thing to Kankri at some point later in time!

So apparently Karkat (and I, by which I mean Karkat, or do I mean me because fuck what is even happening, am now being strung along by the hundreds of suggestions being poured out from John and Nepeta. John is consulting Dave. This is getting fucking ridiculous) is supposed to go on some fantastical adventure. And guess what? He, by which I of course mean me and if you haven't caught onto that I don't even understand how you are even fucking literate, is leaving this up to you. And that is not at all because he doesn't wanna spend _his _valuable time coming up with a fucking plot for this piece of shit.

Now, don't try filling your personal agendas by filling my quadrants. That's not happening, you have already, with the help of Nepeta, given me _two _lousy-ass matesprits. So just gimme a plot. You can use my designated "matesprits." There's a little box over there that says "review." See it? Use it. Oh, and if John Egbert suffers in the plot, bonus points for you. And keep it T rated. I'm six sweeps old. I do not need your weird shit.

Apparently I'm not even getting the basic fucking right of picking out the plot. No, that's up to _John_. So, you all should probably just consult with each other and come up with the same plot and have John suffering in it. Just a suggestion.

I'm going to cull you all if this is something fucking weird. Just letting you know.

All of you.

See you next week apparently.


	3. Chapter 3

(A/N: i'm sorry. It's me. Okay, I got some absolutely awesome suggestions and it makes me feel bad because they would get so frikkin maimed if I used them for this. I feel bad using the ones I _am _using XD)

* * *

**(Hey guys! :33 Karkitty sent me his draft to upload fur him. Usually he gets John to do it, but he's really angry with him so now its my chance! H33h33! So this time you might see my purrsonal comments which I will call Nepeta Notes. I guess I'll leave his story alone though. Even though he probably won't do that great a job. Hmmf) **

Well, after being screamed at for not joining last weeks memo to write this here I am. Writing this. Again. So anyway, it times for me to pick out which of these plots I'm going to use. Some of these are just creepy. And I hate all of them, but Nepeta is over here gushing over all of them ((**NN: furget what he says, I like all of the ideas! He wouldn't pick the one I like. Harrumph)) **So without further ado or whatever. Here's what I picked. ((**NN: more like john picked them. He was pitching a hissy fit ;33))**

So this one person here called _russia fan _says:

_A plot, hm? And bonus pionts if John suffers? How about we switch things up, and John becomes your errand boy as you travel around in medieval europe for a while?_

Which apparently isn't good enough for the others**((NN: He's totally lying. He was the one that said it needed more to it. Heh, oh Karkitty)) **So I'll also through in this one from_Mage of Physics: _

_Magestuck (oh yeah the definition of mages in mythology is: one who practises the action of conjuring magic from one who is not normally magical) possibly with john being a slave for testing spells out hmmm and a large journey of defeating a dragon who wants to destroy you! _

So I guess this'll work. Don't expect much, seriously. I'm not an author and I'm not even trying so don't get yourselves all tied in knots. **((NN: apurrlogies that he doesn't take any of my suggestions))**

* * *

**The Adventures of Karkat the Mage and His Bumbling Companions**

So you've already met Karkat. Yeah, we covered that. And so he's a mage, which makes him capable of doing magic. So he's sending fucking sparks flying every which way which is pretty impressive because he taught himself all this shit. His stupid little apprentice, John Egbert, came walking into his room. And he wasn't paying fucking attention as always so he got hit in the face with sparks, which was actually pretty entertaining. So while this kid is trying to treat his second-degree burns with a dishrag he's mumbling stuff to Karkat. "Here's a letter from Lady Nepeta." **((NN: I had to argue with him for ten minutes to get him to add the "Lady." But he did :33)) **He handed Karkat a small letter, still dabbing at his burnt-ass face.

Karkat looked at it, then opened it. I don't know, I guess he didn't have magic to open envelopes. That's be pretty excessive. So he opened it like a normal non-magical troll, though he probably should have just made John do that. But anyway, he opens this letter and as John said it's written from Nepeta. It had little hearts all over it and poorly drawn cats which practically made Karkat want to projectile vomit all over his study. **((NN: My cat pictures are high quality, okay?!))** He sat down at his desk and read it anyway.

So after picking apart the message trying to decipher what she even met through her ridiculous cat puns and roleplaying he came to the conclusion that there was in fact a giant dragon destroying her kingdom. Since Karkat was so deeply in love with the small feline-obsessed girl, he decided to put _all _his important mage-ly things aside to save her.

So, he decided he wasn't going to do this alone even though he probably could only because he wanted someone to do his dirty work for him. So he brought along John. He also brought along his _second _matesprit, Kankri. Lucky for Karkat, he'd managed to put a spell on the annoying douche so that he didn't fucking say shit he just followed Karkat around and did what he told him to, which was pretty nice.

So they packed there things and were off to go save Princess **((NN: Lady!)) **Nepeta because she apparently couldn't handle the dragon herself.

* * *

You know what, I am already so fucking tired of this. So next week I'm taking a break. This weeks poll is completely unnaproved by John. So you little shits can pick who's gonna write this for me next week. Let's pick some people that won't hold this stupid thing over my head for the rest of my life. So... Nepeta... John, because why not. And I guess Gamzee, though I'm not exactly excited to let him handle this.

Whatever, better than having to write this every week. Polls are open. You know the drill.


End file.
